I am truly exhausted

I had the great privilege of going to a conference for the past three days. It was an annual conference of pediatric hospitals in Canada. And it was an experience, an intense eye-opening experience.

I was quite simply overwhelmed by the depth and breadth of health professional who attended and shared their great passion for sick children and their families.

I did not present, I occasionally contributed, but only in the smaller group settings. I was an outsider. I wasn't one of the in-group, but I was also their focus in many ways. Family centred care, how to help parents, how do we serve our patients and families... I felt like the soar throbbing toe that while insignificant is getting a great deal of attention.  Maybe that is a bad analogy because it sounds negative.

Really it was an extremely positive experience, but... and there is a "but." But, it comes at a cost.

The nurses, administrators, doctors, researchers all discuss and share their thoughts with enthusiasm and passion. They feel excited by the discussions, challenged and encouraged. I remember how that felt from my professional days. The meetings where the client was reasonable and articulate, the creative staff was on their game and we were able to guide the discussion to places of success and direction. Wow, exhilarating.

But, even though I can appreciate this and even though I could enjoy the discussions my experience hangs on my shoulders the whole time. My emotions, much to my horror hang only inches below my surface calm. My thoughts fly from thought to thought some of which are more productive than others.

And I know I'm not alone. All you have to do is check in with the other parents. If you say, "Wow that was draining." They look at you and nod with great understanding on their face. They get it.

It almost feels like the energy required to help better understand how to deal with parents is fueled by energy sapped from parents. Again, maybe not a good way to say it, but maybe a bit true?

The experience is very hard to explain and even harder to internalize. I need time to process, to file, to sort through all the thoughts.

I can say without a doubt that I am exceptionally impressed with the people who work in our systems. It may not be popular to report this, but they care. They really really care. And they are trying to grow, stretch and change. And that is something that truly blows me away. It is truly awe inspiring.

That so much effort thought and love are being put into caring for children like my Bronwyn. And that so much interest is expressed in how to help and better support parents like Wes and I... well honestly it is humbling. Exceptionally humbling. I have no words.

So I'll stop there.