It sneaks up on you

Sometimes I visit and share with other parents who are going through a similar journey as we have with Bronwyn's heart issues. I often say to them, "Don't be surprised if much later on your emotions get the better of you, when you least expect it." I'm not sure why this happens, maybe because you have to deal with what is in front of you so you set aside your emotions for later... I'm not entirely sure... but it does happen.

It happened to me today.

The kids school does an activity with one of the local community associations. It is a duathalon, a bike and run, for a different charity every year.

It is a lovely idea, but one that worries me a bit with Bronwyn. There are a lot of parents at the event but very few of them know about Bronwyn and her heart history, so it freaks me out just a bit.

Last year I didn't send the consent forms in since I didn't really want her doing it, since it was on a day that I had an appointment scheduled. According to one of my friends who was at the school, Bronwyn participated anyhow, she just didn't do the bike portion! I felt OK since there were several moms I know and trust that were there, but still...

So this year I agreed they could participate. I went to watch her.

Bronwyn came in LAST. But she ran the whole way and biked as hard as she could. And I wanted to run and tell her to slow down and walk, but I didn't! I was so proud of her. One of the moms who knows about her heart came and gave her a special bike bell as a prize. She was so out of breath she couldn't even thank her.

They had a watermelon and popsicle station for the participants. So we got her a treat and I asked her to go sit down and rest. Another mom that we have know for a long time congratulated Bronwyn heartily and then said to me (as Bronwyn walked away), "This must be stressful for you."

I suddenly started to cry and said, "You have no idea!" I was so embarrassed to be crying in public like that. But, I had to admit I was barely holding it together.

The tears came because it is stressful not knowing how far she can safely push herself. The tears came from holding in years of anxiety about these situations. The tears came for the other kids with her condition who wouldn't have been able to bike or run. The tears came from pride of my tough girl who will give it her all and be proud of her last place.

It was a mixed bag of tears and I left as swiftly as I could!