Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Deciding what to say

I have over the last few days wanted to write about several things, but I can't make up my mind which one to focus on. I wanted to report on my lovely visit to AdFarm (wow I love those people). I wanted to share about all of Gavin's new little sayings and fun things (like "alicious, I love it). I wanted to talk about my friend Kim (Quinn's mom) and her amazing strength. I wanted to mention how both Andrea and my Mom came and saved my kids the morning I had a migraine. I wanted to say what a wonderful time Mom and I had at the ladies retreat on Saturday or write about our visit with Sophie and Eliza (or as Gavin calls her - other Sophie) which was also fun. So many things!!!

But I think today I will write about what has been most on my mind this last week. Please bare with me this is self indulgent. But if I can't be self indulgent on my own blog - well - you get it.

I have been reflecting a lot about this past year this week. At this time last year I was about as stressed as I had ever been. We by this time knew about Bronwyn's heart problem - but we didn't yet know it was a girl. I was going every other week for echo cardiograms and I was beginning to interact with more medical personnel than I had ever imagined existed. We had already met our cardiologist, we knew we had to go to Edmonton, I was waiting for amnio results, we were waiting for a meeting in Edmonton to meet the team there. On top of all that I was still working and was looking for childcare for Gavin.

Last year at the end of May I had more questions than answers.

I look back on it in amazement really. It is really hard to distill all the thoughts and feelings that come with all of these memories. I remember one afternoon just absolutely breaking down at Mom and Dad's. The worry just seemed too much. Every appointment and milestone on the road to Bronwyn's birth held anxieties and apprehensions. Yet it wasn't hard after a while to feel like I could embrace the plan and move forward with a positive feeling.

What do I gain by looking back at last May? Well, I have learned that fear and apprehension of what is coming down is usually worse than what really happens. We are very resilient and somehow "reality" is much easier to manage than what we think it will be. (Don't know if this makes sense).

The other thing I see when I look back at where I was last year at this time is that God is with us, helping us, guiding us. He has provided for me everything I needed to deal with our situation. Last year I was beside myself trying to figure out what to do for childcare for Gavin. I only needed help for about a month and a half. God brought Shauna into our lives - Gavin ADORED her and she gave me the confidence to know he was looked after and I could do what I had to do. I don't think she will ever understand how much that meant to me. It was more than just finding someone good to take care of my precious boy. I was at the time handling all I could handle. I could not add worry over Gavin's care to my list of concerns. God knew I needed to be able to go to work and be assured that he had provided for me.

Then came all the wonders of Bronwyn's care - amazing surgeons, support at the hospital (particularly Shirley), and family!

This is just one example of how I saw God working in my life. I know I have written about this topic before. I am sure it just sounds old. I guess I feel like last May was one of those pivotal times in my life when the decisions I made shaped not only who I am as a person but it also shaped our experience as a family. It would have been very easy to feel defeated and sorry for myself (trust me on that one). We as a family made some very conscious decisions to rely on God and to trust that no matter what the outcome we would handle it as it came.

So you see - self indulgent.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Gavin hasn't had the best week

We started the week badly when I shut his fingers in the front screen door. It was awful, I cried as much or more than he did. I called Wes right away and he was so supportive and understanding. He is such a great husband.

Then last night I was out with Bronwyn for a meeting. When I got back home the boys met us at the door. Gavin was holding an icepack in his hand. I immediately said - What happened!

Wes had been working in the basement and he used his drill. He set it down when he was done and Gavin grabbed the drill bit which was very hot. So he burned his fingers.

I wasn't nearly as supportive as Wes had been earlier in the week. My first instinct was to feel awful for little Gavin, pretty tough luck two finger traumas in one week. My second response was to feel badly for Wes because I knew how badly I felt so he must feel bad too. But the third and I hate to admit the longest lasting feeling was one of relief.

I said to Wes with a smile - Oh, that is definitely worse than what I did!

Now before you get too critical of this response, I mean just between the two of us (and any other of millions who could possible wander on to this sight) - it makes sense. I felt so bad after hurting him and of course I would have rather he not been hurt in either instance but the fact is we both made unfortunate mistakes and in my mind Wes' seemed worse. So it somehow made me feel better.

OK - I admit that is bad (but secretly it makes sense right?). Of course Wes disagreed so an argument ensued over which injury was technically worse.

Long and short is that our poor son is fine, neither injury was severe or even very bad - just bad enough to make us feel awful. He is still his buoyant little self, he still terrorizes his sister. In fact I took the kids down to AdFarm today and he terrorized them for a while! He is lucky that my work is filled with such loving people.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Long weekend

We had a lovely long weekend. Wes was home all weekend so we did lots of family stuff. We didn't do as much yard work as we had planned (it rained). We ate more than we planned. We visited with family and friends (more than we planned). We cleaned the house and the kids ( a couple of times - again more than we planned).

All in all a wonderful weekend.

(The wonderful part doesn't extend to today - today was awful - but maybe I'll go into that another time - maybe not we'll see how I feel in a few days. Oh, except the party we had today - that was fun).

Friday, May 18, 2007

So Tired

Why is it that by Friday evening everyone is so exhausted. Maybe we should have 2 work days and then a break and three work days and then one day off? Well it would likely be a scheduling nightmare.

We were over to see Cadence (Bronwyn's best girlfriend) the other day and had a very nice time. The girls played very nicely together. Gavin too!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Two year olds will drive you crazy

I am finding Gavin a bit of a handful these days. On one hand I am in total awe of what he is learning and all the clever and cute things he does. On the other hand I am finding it hard to assert my authority and get him to listen. I don't know how many times a day lately I say "Gavin, Gavin, Gavin (it takes three tries to get his attention) you must start listening to me!"

Don't get me wrong - I love the fact that he is independent and strong willed - these are great characteristics. He just needs to learn where to apply them. Today, while at Grandma and Pop's house he hit his sister and boy was I angry. I went to grab him but he ran around kitchen island and stood behind his Grandma. I crossed my arms and said "Gavin come here," really sternly. He looked at me and then at Grandma. He then pointed at me and said, "Scary." I had to turn around so he wouldn't see me laugh. Two year olds!
The other day I was in the car with the kids (I was driving - no panic there) and we were chatting. I often tell Gavin he is my best boy. He announces to other kids in the park or pretty much anyone that he is "best boy." He was in the back seat discussing how he is the best boy. We started a conversation that went like this:

Me - Is Daddy the best boy?
Gavin - No.
Me - Daddy is the best daddy.
Gavin - Daddy best daddy.
Me - Is Bronwyn the best boy?
Gavin - No. Bronwa is the best gwerl (I love how he says girl).
Me - Yeah - Bronwyn is the best girl. Is Gavin the best boy?
Gavin - Yes! Gavin best boy.
Me - Is Mommy the best boy?
Gavin - No.
Me - Mommy is the best...
Gavin - Orange.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

So I guess it is mother's day

I woke up this morning with a bed full of children and of course my husband. Most days it would have been vaguely annoying that my offspring wont sleep in their own beds but today it was sort of sweet. After all what greater joy for a Mom than to wake up with her little one right with her.

It is funny I don't really feel like celebrating "me" today, although someone suggested I should be nominated mother of the year (oh, wait, that was me talking to myself when I was cranky with my family - erase that!).

My thoughts this mother's day are focused on the great legacy my mother and both of my grandmothers left for me.

I won't go into the details of why they mean so much to me. But I will say this - I seriously doubt I would have been able to get through most of our ordeal over this last year without their example.

They have been examples of great strength, courage, faith and love. All things I needed to draw on last fall. There were times when I know my own strength wasn't enough - I need my mother to support and uphold me. While my mother was able to physically do this I believe that my Grandmothers by their example and their strength of spirit propped up my will and buoyed my spirit.

I know this is not particularly original. Most people I know can share similar stories. This year more than any other Mother's day means a lot to me for the very reason I have shared.

Today has been a day of reflection for me and I hope I can show my Mom how much I value her everyday not just today. As my brother said earlier today "Every day is mother's day at their house." (Ahem).

Friday, May 11, 2007

Not much news

We have had a good week - trucking along. It has been very busy and the weather has been super.

Gavin has had a super time this week. He loves "friends" now and he talks about friends a lot. Of course, everyone we see is a friend whether we know them or not. The elderly lady walking through the park the other day was greeted with "Hi friend."

I am sure they have both done a million cute things this week but I am too tired to remember.

We were at the park today with a "friend" Eric. Eric also brought his mom and sister too. It was a great outting.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

A new week

Last week was just yucky for me. I was feeling sick, for the first part of the week and the second part of the week it rained and rained. By Saturday I was tired frustrated and well a really impatient mommy and wife. I was not my best self by the end of the week.

But you know today is a new day and the start of a new week. It is beautiful out today and we went to a church picnic after church and it was great fun. Gavin had a blast. You know, there is really not much more enjoyable than watching a bunch of kids of all different ages running around in a park having a great time (whether you are a parent or not).

Gavin was chumming with Sophie - it was so cute. Bronwyn well she just sort of keeps to herself - she isn't as social - mainly because she can't crawl yet. She is working on that though - really really hard! She wants to crawl and get around. I am a bit afraid of what my life will look like once she is mobile. We are however thrilled as she doesn't seem to have any significant delays even after everything she has been through.

Here are some pictures from the past week. Actually as I look back over the pictures it wasn't all that bad - maybe it was just my attitude that was bad (ha - like I'd admit that).