Deciding what to say

I have over the last few days wanted to write about several things, but I can't make up my mind which one to focus on. I wanted to report on my lovely visit to AdFarm (wow I love those people). I wanted to share about all of Gavin's new little sayings and fun things (like "alicious, I love it). I wanted to talk about my friend Kim (Quinn's mom) and her amazing strength. I wanted to mention how both Andrea and my Mom came and saved my kids the morning I had a migraine. I wanted to say what a wonderful time Mom and I had at the ladies retreat on Saturday or write about our visit with Sophie and Eliza (or as Gavin calls her - other Sophie) which was also fun. So many things!!!

But I think today I will write about what has been most on my mind this last week. Please bare with me this is self indulgent. But if I can't be self indulgent on my own blog - well - you get it.

I have been reflecting a lot about this past year this week. At this time last year I was about as stressed as I had ever been. We by this time knew about Bronwyn's heart problem - but we didn't yet know it was a girl. I was going every other week for echo cardiograms and I was beginning to interact with more medical personnel than I had ever imagined existed. We had already met our cardiologist, we knew we had to go to Edmonton, I was waiting for amnio results, we were waiting for a meeting in Edmonton to meet the team there. On top of all that I was still working and was looking for childcare for Gavin.

Last year at the end of May I had more questions than answers.

I look back on it in amazement really. It is really hard to distill all the thoughts and feelings that come with all of these memories. I remember one afternoon just absolutely breaking down at Mom and Dad's. The worry just seemed too much. Every appointment and milestone on the road to Bronwyn's birth held anxieties and apprehensions. Yet it wasn't hard after a while to feel like I could embrace the plan and move forward with a positive feeling.

What do I gain by looking back at last May? Well, I have learned that fear and apprehension of what is coming down is usually worse than what really happens. We are very resilient and somehow "reality" is much easier to manage than what we think it will be. (Don't know if this makes sense).

The other thing I see when I look back at where I was last year at this time is that God is with us, helping us, guiding us. He has provided for me everything I needed to deal with our situation. Last year I was beside myself trying to figure out what to do for childcare for Gavin. I only needed help for about a month and a half. God brought Shauna into our lives - Gavin ADORED her and she gave me the confidence to know he was looked after and I could do what I had to do. I don't think she will ever understand how much that meant to me. It was more than just finding someone good to take care of my precious boy. I was at the time handling all I could handle. I could not add worry over Gavin's care to my list of concerns. God knew I needed to be able to go to work and be assured that he had provided for me.

Then came all the wonders of Bronwyn's care - amazing surgeons, support at the hospital (particularly Shirley), and family!

This is just one example of how I saw God working in my life. I know I have written about this topic before. I am sure it just sounds old. I guess I feel like last May was one of those pivotal times in my life when the decisions I made shaped not only who I am as a person but it also shaped our experience as a family. It would have been very easy to feel defeated and sorry for myself (trust me on that one). We as a family made some very conscious decisions to rely on God and to trust that no matter what the outcome we would handle it as it came.

So you see - self indulgent.